Rendőr viccek
Egy rendőr megállít egy autóst:
- Uram, Ön átlépte a megengedett sebességhatárt! Ezért meg kell büntessem!
- Jaj, biztos úr, nem volt az olyan sok! Adjon még egy esélyt!
- Nos, ma jó napom van, ezért ha válaszol egy kérdésemre, akkor elengedem - mondja a rendőr. - Tegyük fel, éjszaka autózik, és meglát két világító pontot az úton. Mi lehet az?
- Ez egyszerű - mondja felcsillanó szemmel az autós. - Egy szembejövő autó!
- Persze, de milyen autó? Volkswagen, Mercedes, Volvo vagy más? - kérdi a rendőr. - Sajnos nem sikerült, meg kell büntessem!
- De biztos úr, fordítsuk meg a dolgot. Felteszek én egy kérdést, és ha tudja a választ, nem bánom, büntessen meg.
- Jól van - beleegyezik a rendőr.
- Az utcasarkon áll egy miniszoknyás, kifestett nő, aki minden elhaladó férfinek ajánlatot tesz. Ki ő?
- Ez nagyon egyszerű - mondja a rendőr. - Egy prostituált!
- Persze hogy prostituált, de ki ő? A kedves édesanyja, a felesége, vagy a lánya?
Két rendőr gyorshajtásért megállít egy nőt. A nő rájuk mosolyog szépen:
- Nem lehetne ezt máshogy elintézni? - és kivesz a kocsiból egy üveg skót whiskyt, majd elkezdi letolni a bugyiját szép lassan.
A rendőrök elveszik az üveget és elhajtanak:
- Ugye milyen jól választottunk, a bugyi úgy is szűk lett volna.
II. János Pál pápa körutazást tervez Rómában. Beül a limuzinba, felveszi a mikrofont és előreszól a sofőrnek:
- Indulhatunk, fiam.
- De hát szentatyám, rendőrök, kíséret nem lesz? Ez így nagyon veszélyes!
- Nem kell fiam, induljunk!
Mennek, mennek vagy harminccal, a pápa megunja a harmadik kilométer után. Felveszi a mikrofont.
- Fiam, lépjen oda egy kicsit, mert feltűnést keltünk és fel is tartjuk a forgalmat.
- Igenis szentatyám!
Mennek vagy harmincöttel két kilométert, a pápa előreszól:
- Fiam, a következő lehetőségnél álljon meg, megmutatom, hogyan kellene haladni!
Helyet cserélnek, a pápa nem szórakozik, százhatvannal söpör Róma belvárosában, mikor is két rendőr leállítja a limuzint. Egyik yard odaszól a másiknak:
- Büntesd meg nagyon!
Odamegy a zsaru az autóhoz, majd remegő lábakkal tér vissza a társához.
- Mi van, miért nem büntetted meg?!!
- Nem mertem, öregem!
- Miért, ki ül benne? Valami színész netán?
- Nagyobb öregem, nagyobb még ennél is!!
- Valami politikus?
- Nagyobb, nagyobb!!
- Valami maffiavezér?
- Nem tudom, ki ül benn öregem, de a pápa a sofőrje!
Rendőr kiképzőtáborban az újonc odamegy a parancsnokhoz:
- Uram nagy a baj! A tábor negyede a párnát bassza!
- Mit tegyünk, nincs nő!
Második nap:
- Uram, már a fel tábor a párnát bassza!
- Mondom, nem baj! Nincs nő!
Harmadik nap:
- Uram már az egész tábor a párnát bassza!
- Ez már sok! Hívja ide mindet!
Mindenki felsorakozik, a parancsnok szól:
- Lépjen ki aki a párnát bassza!
Egy híján mind kilép. Odamegy a megmaradt emberhez:
- Maga derék ember, mi a neve?
- Párna Sándor...
Három rendőr azon veszekszik, melyiknek a fia a leghülyébb. Mondja az első, hogy az ő fia nem tudja mennyi egy meg egy. A másik azt mondja az övé nem tudja mi az ABC első három betűje. Dicsekszik a harmadik:
- Na most figyeljetek rám.
Felszól a fiának és a gyerek kinéz az ablakon
- Fiam! menj hátra a kertbe, és nézd meg, ott vagyok-e!
A gyerek hátramegy, majd visszajön:
- Nem vagy ott apám.
Erre megszólal az egyik közülük:
- Tényleg a te fiad a leghülyébb, megnézhette volna az ablakból is!
A pap panaszkodik a helyi rendőri szervnek:
- Biztos úr! Ellopták a biciklimet, mit tegyek?
- Hát tiszteletes úr, nem sokat tudok magának segíteni. Tudja mit? Ha holnap misét tart, sorolja fel a Tízparancsolatot, és nézzen körül a hívei közt, amikor odaér, hogy ne lopj! Biztos látni fogja a tettest, ahogy behúzódik a padba.
- Köszönöm, biztos úr, megfogadom.
Másnap újra felkeresi a rend őrét a pap.
- No atyám, bevált?
- Bevált, de még mennyire. Amikor odaértem, hogy ne paráználkodj, rögtön eszembe jutott, hogy hol hagytam a biciklit!
Vesz a rendőr egy hűtőszekrényt a műszaki boltban. Este, mikor hazamegy, kinyitja a hűtő ajtaját, és utána jól megveri az asszonyt. Másnap az asszony vesz konyakot, pálinkát, kaját, beteszi a hűtőbe, és mosolyogva várja a férjét.
A rendőr kinyitja a hűtőt, megvakarja a fejét, majd megint megveri az asszonyt. Megkérdezi az asszony:
- Miért vertél meg teeee ...?
- Mert megint felkapcsolva hagytad a hűtőben a lámpát!
A rendőr nem vágja mi az a logika. Elmegy egy pszichiáterhez, hogy az majd megmagyarázza neki. Bemegy és mondja:
- Doktor úr én nem értem mi az a logika
- Hát ezt nehéz elmondani - válaszol a doktor - de várjon mondok példát. Van magának akváriuma?
- Igen
- Akkor logikus, hogy tart benne halakat.
- Igen, ez tényleg az.
- Ebből kifolyólag logikus, hogy ön szereti a halakat.
- Igen, szertem.
- Szóval maga állatbarát.
- Igen, így van.
- Várjon - mondja a doki - van még egy példám. Van magának barátnője?
- Van, igen.
- Akkor logikus, hogy a lányokat szereti.
- Igen, ez valóban így van kérem.
- Akkor logikus, hogy maga nem buzi
- Igen ez az.
- Hát ez aztán a logika.
Rendőr nagyon okosnak képzeli magát, ezért bemegy az őrsre és mondja a kollégájának:
- Hé haver, te vágod mi az a logika.
- Hát nem nagyon - mondja a másik rendőr.
- Figyi, elmondom. Van akváriumod?
- Nincs
- Akkor te buzi vagy!
Öreg bácsi megy a kivilágítatlan kerékpáron az utcán. Megállítja a rendőr, és így szól:
- Bátyám, ha nem ég a lámpa a biciklin, akkor tolni kell!
Mire az öreg:
- Már kipróbáltam, akkor se ég!
Rendőr vizsgázik:
- Vezeték neve?
- Kábel.
- Kereszt neve?
- Feszület.
- Látom maga sem normális, de azért húzzon egyet.
- Húúúúúú!
- Mondja, magának mi Baja?
- Hát kérem a szülővárosom.
A rendőr lemeszel egy kb. 200-al száguldozó autóst.
- Hová ilyen sietősen?
- Ne is kérdezze biztos úr! Most lőttem le az anyósomat, itt a hullája a csomagtartóban. A csőre töltött pisztolyt még nem volt időm eldobni, itt van a kesztyűtartóban, nézze meg.
A rendőr döbbenten előrántja a pisztolyát és a sofőrre fogja, a másik kezével meg rádión sürgős segítséget kér. Megjön az erősítés.
- Mire volt a nagy riadó, hadnagy?
- Hadnagy úr, jelentem, ennek az egyénnek ott az anyósa lelőve a csomagtartóban, a pisztoly meg a kesztyűtartóban!
Átvizsgálják a kocsit se hulla, se pisztoly, semmi különöset nem találnak.
Egyszer csak megszólal a sofőr:
- Fogadjunk, most még azt is rám fogja majd, hogy kétszázzal száguldozok!
- Hogyan válogatják ki a legjobb rendőrjelölteket?
- Beállítják őket esőben egy eresz mellé. Aki beáll az eresz alá, azt felveszik, mert azok okosak. Aki nem áll be, azt felveszik, mert bátor.
- Miért teszi ki télen a rendőr a teraszra a nemi szervét?
- ???
- Hogy a hideg kirázza!
- És nyáron miért teszi ki akkor?
- ???
- Hát hogy a nap kiszívja.
Két rendőr találkozik:
- Mi van a nálad?
- Csak egy termosz.
- Az micsoda?
- A hideget hidegen, a meleget melegen tartja.
- És mi van benne?
- 2 adag fagyi és egy kis leves!
A rendőrt kérdezi az orvos:
- Használt az erősítőszer amit, a múlt héten írtam fel magának?
- Nem bírtam letekerni az istennek sem kupakját.
Bevisznek a rendőrök egy gyanúsítottat az őrsre.
- Hol lakik, feleljen?
- A József Attila utcában, kérem.
- Na ne szórakozzon! A József vagy az Attila utcában?
- Mondom, hogy a József Attila utcában!
Odamennek az őrmesterhez:
- Főnök, ez az ember azt állítja, hogy a József Attila utcában lakik.
- Maga barom, lehet, hogy sarki ház!
A rendőr elsétál az állatkereskedés előtt, és a kirakatból kiszól egy papagáj:
- Hé rendőr!
- Na?
- A jó k***a anyádat.
- Kuss legyen féreg. Hogy van pofád a rendőrrel így beszélni? - rivall rá.
Az eset egy hétig minden nap megtörténik, és egy idő után a rendőr elveszti a türelmét.
- Te papagáj! Ha holnap is így beszélsz velem az állatkereskedést bezáratom, téged pedig a kutyáknak doblak, na mit szólsz, hm?
A papagáj megrémül, de azért is megszólítja a rendőrt másnap:
- Hé rendőr!
- Na?
- Tudod.:))
Hozzászólások
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