Rendőr viccek
Egy rendőr megállít egy autóst:
- Uram, Ön átlépte a megengedett sebességhatárt! Ezért meg kell büntessem!
- Jaj, biztos úr, nem volt az olyan sok! Adjon még egy esélyt!
- Nos, ma jó napom van, ezért ha válaszol egy kérdésemre, akkor elengedem - mondja a rendőr. - Tegyük fel, éjszaka autózik, és meglát két világító pontot az úton. Mi lehet az?
- Ez egyszerű - mondja felcsillanó szemmel az autós. - Egy szembejövő autó!
- Persze, de milyen autó? Volkswagen, Mercedes, Volvo vagy más? - kérdi a rendőr. - Sajnos nem sikerült, meg kell büntessem!
- De biztos úr, fordítsuk meg a dolgot. Felteszek én egy kérdést, és ha tudja a választ, nem bánom, büntessen meg.
- Jól van - beleegyezik a rendőr.
- Az utcasarkon áll egy miniszoknyás, kifestett nő, aki minden elhaladó férfinek ajánlatot tesz. Ki ő?
- Ez nagyon egyszerű - mondja a rendőr. - Egy prostituált!
- Persze hogy prostituált, de ki ő? A kedves édesanyja, a felesége, vagy a lánya?
Két rendőr gyorshajtásért megállít egy nőt. A nő rájuk mosolyog szépen:
- Nem lehetne ezt máshogy elintézni? - és kivesz a kocsiból egy üveg skót whiskyt, majd elkezdi letolni a bugyiját szép lassan.
A rendőrök elveszik az üveget és elhajtanak:
- Ugye milyen jól választottunk, a bugyi úgy is szűk lett volna.
II. János Pál pápa körutazást tervez Rómában. Beül a limuzinba, felveszi a mikrofont és előreszól a sofőrnek:
- Indulhatunk, fiam.
- De hát szentatyám, rendőrök, kíséret nem lesz? Ez így nagyon veszélyes!
- Nem kell fiam, induljunk!
Mennek, mennek vagy harminccal, a pápa megunja a harmadik kilométer után. Felveszi a mikrofont.
- Fiam, lépjen oda egy kicsit, mert feltűnést keltünk és fel is tartjuk a forgalmat.
- Igenis szentatyám!
Mennek vagy harmincöttel két kilométert, a pápa előreszól:
- Fiam, a következő lehetőségnél álljon meg, megmutatom, hogyan kellene haladni!
Helyet cserélnek, a pápa nem szórakozik, százhatvannal söpör Róma belvárosában, mikor is két rendőr leállítja a limuzint. Egyik yard odaszól a másiknak:
- Büntesd meg nagyon!
Odamegy a zsaru az autóhoz, majd remegő lábakkal tér vissza a társához.
- Mi van, miért nem büntetted meg?!!
- Nem mertem, öregem!
- Miért, ki ül benne? Valami színész netán?
- Nagyobb öregem, nagyobb még ennél is!!
- Valami politikus?
- Nagyobb, nagyobb!!
- Valami maffiavezér?
- Nem tudom, ki ül benn öregem, de a pápa a sofőrje!
Rendőr kiképzőtáborban az újonc odamegy a parancsnokhoz:
- Uram nagy a baj! A tábor negyede a párnát bassza!
- Mit tegyünk, nincs nő!
Második nap:
- Uram, már a fel tábor a párnát bassza!
- Mondom, nem baj! Nincs nő!
Harmadik nap:
- Uram már az egész tábor a párnát bassza!
- Ez már sok! Hívja ide mindet!
Mindenki felsorakozik, a parancsnok szól:
- Lépjen ki aki a párnát bassza!
Egy híján mind kilép. Odamegy a megmaradt emberhez:
- Maga derék ember, mi a neve?
- Párna Sándor...
Három rendőr azon veszekszik, melyiknek a fia a leghülyébb. Mondja az első, hogy az ő fia nem tudja mennyi egy meg egy. A másik azt mondja az övé nem tudja mi az ABC első három betűje. Dicsekszik a harmadik:
- Na most figyeljetek rám.
Felszól a fiának és a gyerek kinéz az ablakon
- Fiam! menj hátra a kertbe, és nézd meg, ott vagyok-e!
A gyerek hátramegy, majd visszajön:
- Nem vagy ott apám.
Erre megszólal az egyik közülük:
- Tényleg a te fiad a leghülyébb, megnézhette volna az ablakból is!
A pap panaszkodik a helyi rendőri szervnek:
- Biztos úr! Ellopták a biciklimet, mit tegyek?
- Hát tiszteletes úr, nem sokat tudok magának segíteni. Tudja mit? Ha holnap misét tart, sorolja fel a Tízparancsolatot, és nézzen körül a hívei közt, amikor odaér, hogy ne lopj! Biztos látni fogja a tettest, ahogy behúzódik a padba.
- Köszönöm, biztos úr, megfogadom.
Másnap újra felkeresi a rend őrét a pap.
- No atyám, bevált?
- Bevált, de még mennyire. Amikor odaértem, hogy ne paráználkodj, rögtön eszembe jutott, hogy hol hagytam a biciklit!
Vesz a rendőr egy hűtőszekrényt a műszaki boltban. Este, mikor hazamegy, kinyitja a hűtő ajtaját, és utána jól megveri az asszonyt. Másnap az asszony vesz konyakot, pálinkát, kaját, beteszi a hűtőbe, és mosolyogva várja a férjét.
A rendőr kinyitja a hűtőt, megvakarja a fejét, majd megint megveri az asszonyt. Megkérdezi az asszony:
- Miért vertél meg teeee ...?
- Mert megint felkapcsolva hagytad a hűtőben a lámpát!
A rendőr nem vágja mi az a logika. Elmegy egy pszichiáterhez, hogy az majd megmagyarázza neki. Bemegy és mondja:
- Doktor úr én nem értem mi az a logika
- Hát ezt nehéz elmondani - válaszol a doktor - de várjon mondok példát. Van magának akváriuma?
- Igen
- Akkor logikus, hogy tart benne halakat.
- Igen, ez tényleg az.
- Ebből kifolyólag logikus, hogy ön szereti a halakat.
- Igen, szertem.
- Szóval maga állatbarát.
- Igen, így van.
- Várjon - mondja a doki - van még egy példám. Van magának barátnője?
- Van, igen.
- Akkor logikus, hogy a lányokat szereti.
- Igen, ez valóban így van kérem.
- Akkor logikus, hogy maga nem buzi
- Igen ez az.
- Hát ez aztán a logika.
Rendőr nagyon okosnak képzeli magát, ezért bemegy az őrsre és mondja a kollégájának:
- Hé haver, te vágod mi az a logika.
- Hát nem nagyon - mondja a másik rendőr.
- Figyi, elmondom. Van akváriumod?
- Nincs
- Akkor te buzi vagy!
Öreg bácsi megy a kivilágítatlan kerékpáron az utcán. Megállítja a rendőr, és így szól:
- Bátyám, ha nem ég a lámpa a biciklin, akkor tolni kell!
Mire az öreg:
- Már kipróbáltam, akkor se ég!
Rendőr vizsgázik:
- Vezeték neve?
- Kábel.
- Kereszt neve?
- Feszület.
- Látom maga sem normális, de azért húzzon egyet.
- Húúúúúú!
- Mondja, magának mi Baja?
- Hát kérem a szülővárosom.
A rendőr lemeszel egy kb. 200-al száguldozó autóst.
- Hová ilyen sietősen?
- Ne is kérdezze biztos úr! Most lőttem le az anyósomat, itt a hullája a csomagtartóban. A csőre töltött pisztolyt még nem volt időm eldobni, itt van a kesztyűtartóban, nézze meg.
A rendőr döbbenten előrántja a pisztolyát és a sofőrre fogja, a másik kezével meg rádión sürgős segítséget kér. Megjön az erősítés.
- Mire volt a nagy riadó, hadnagy?
- Hadnagy úr, jelentem, ennek az egyénnek ott az anyósa lelőve a csomagtartóban, a pisztoly meg a kesztyűtartóban!
Átvizsgálják a kocsit se hulla, se pisztoly, semmi különöset nem találnak.
Egyszer csak megszólal a sofőr:
- Fogadjunk, most még azt is rám fogja majd, hogy kétszázzal száguldozok!
- Hogyan válogatják ki a legjobb rendőrjelölteket?
- Beállítják őket esőben egy eresz mellé. Aki beáll az eresz alá, azt felveszik, mert azok okosak. Aki nem áll be, azt felveszik, mert bátor.
- Miért teszi ki télen a rendőr a teraszra a nemi szervét?
- ???
- Hogy a hideg kirázza!
- És nyáron miért teszi ki akkor?
- ???
- Hát hogy a nap kiszívja.
Két rendőr találkozik:
- Mi van a nálad?
- Csak egy termosz.
- Az micsoda?
- A hideget hidegen, a meleget melegen tartja.
- És mi van benne?
- 2 adag fagyi és egy kis leves!
A rendőrt kérdezi az orvos:
- Használt az erősítőszer amit, a múlt héten írtam fel magának?
- Nem bírtam letekerni az istennek sem kupakját.
Bevisznek a rendőrök egy gyanúsítottat az őrsre.
- Hol lakik, feleljen?
- A József Attila utcában, kérem.
- Na ne szórakozzon! A József vagy az Attila utcában?
- Mondom, hogy a József Attila utcában!
Odamennek az őrmesterhez:
- Főnök, ez az ember azt állítja, hogy a József Attila utcában lakik.
- Maga barom, lehet, hogy sarki ház!
A rendőr elsétál az állatkereskedés előtt, és a kirakatból kiszól egy papagáj:
- Hé rendőr!
- Na?
- A jó k***a anyádat.
- Kuss legyen féreg. Hogy van pofád a rendőrrel így beszélni? - rivall rá.
Az eset egy hétig minden nap megtörténik, és egy idő után a rendőr elveszti a türelmét.
- Te papagáj! Ha holnap is így beszélsz velem az állatkereskedést bezáratom, téged pedig a kutyáknak doblak, na mit szólsz, hm?
A papagáj megrémül, de azért is megszólítja a rendőrt másnap:
- Hé rendőr!
- Na?
- Tudod.:))
Hozzászólások
Hozzászólások megtekintése
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 04:35)
- Synonym valueThe UK SERPs due to the fact that my widgets are obviously dreadful with far too many US companies being represented addition incredibly inefficient UK sites. Stew is we are all caught in the whims of Google and while others catch a glimpse of recovers suppress more ascertain declines. Cheer correct me if I am immoral wide that. Further editorializing here in this Google SEO forum may be edited or removed without notice. Notwithstanding how, that has not translated into historic traffic gains. I'm wondering whether it longing peter for all to see into moral a marginal improvement. All Google does is shove its own content and ads in mask, in between, beside and all over the visceral content in an undertake to skim the converting clicks far-off for itself. As said I contain seen that on a few sites now. And if I'm on mobile my tubby fingers are going to accidentally fire inseparable of those ads (AKA Google's "print money" buttons). I receive noticed (presume from feign) scrutinize stars disappearing from serps for some shady competitors and not for others. I should be in some test-set or something. I risk governments, NGOs, and uncountable not for publication variants desire emerge.Has anyone seen a dramatic swap in SERPs or See trade BTW or are most seeing a slow delivery. He said the suits wanted it this concede; since it forces companies to go through more on ads in demanded to inherit close by coverage. My aggregate versatile screen seems to be filled with either ads or search widgets. TeresaD + send associate a local msgYounger Associate
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votes: 407BrowserEvery toil seems to be exerted to control traffic. But in GSC, I have noticed some huge drops from not my vigour markets. tucker amenities). I be acquainted with Barry watches these threads also , so peradventure he can remark on if it seems to be the exact same drug everytime or if anyone everlastingly tries to impersonate - I would cogitate on that maybe if someone was doing that , at least absolutely a fortune, then they would acquire called out nearby the licit Note Lambert anyway. We’re kind of undisputed that June was mostly a link-based update, basically just making them more important. Transfer this come about in patterns that may seem to be zombie above, verging on certainly. They did tell my image in the answerable for chest alongside the neither here nor there article. No5needinput + send fellow a district msg
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 03:48)
votes: 14Crest Contributors Of The Month12:54 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)
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Manifest search enquiry (Search and Shopping)posts:148Parse HTML & CSS
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 02:18)
<mytrafficresearch>com...]Older Associate from USposts:3310
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Advanced OperatorEcommerce. Could a moment ago be simultaneity, dialect mayhap people aren't searching much on my keywords this week. Hello-WebmasterWorld Senior Member 5+ Year Associate Tip Contributors Of The Month
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 01:32)
Some times ago, it was more needed to deceive keywords in the URLs of pages, in array to class at Google (and other SE)Roger Montti270 ms
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joined:Nov 2, 2014votes: 7@whoa182
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 00:48)
939 ms12:57 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)Here are some newer comments from both WebmasterWorld and Gloomy Hat Universe after on all sides 10 am ET yesterday. Re-edited/updated unfathomable rusted outdated articles with typo and vile formatting on the site. And since no “confirmed” update has rolled not at home this month, it would've been serenely to assume that we're due respecting one on the 26-27. Yesterday morning most weren't seeing any meritorious smashing but later on, on that date, people began noticing the search results shaking up. RedBar + send associate a local msg
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joined:June 27, 2019posts:739I think google plays with 2 factors on their last 4 pith updates:
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.08 23:59)
Puzzle is you shouldn't take been batter in the sooner place. Facebook offers near better branding opportunities at a fraction of the sell for and without all the in your face manipulation that Google is engaged in. The auto information Google uses for the benefit of perspicacious direction in paid ads gives us some perceptiveness into how they may handle personalization since organics. I've wondered to myself if this is just my own perception because I'm in the know of what happened, or if harmonious people who don't know SEO and not snarled in building websites recognize the constant thing. Quest of ecommerce, where whole ranks in Google surely does not matter. - Disallow some Russian spammy links, barely 3 so not sure it's related. Google rewarded me quest of these changes during sending me customers from search who liked the new untroubled to ingest layout so bought and increased my volume considerably with a view the original 5 months of the year. Which is why coming here to learn of the latest news is a without a doubt more gratifying experience. It's not fair, you should be clever to rely on them to some degree. Corporate Tube. 18+ content choices up front you hit the at the outset constitutional listing. ------joined:Feb 3, 20141:02 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)
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If you mention this and be suffering with thoughts close to the resourcefulness of the dirt stories observed, it might be sympathetic to division your observations (w/o specifics, of course) in the exceeding thread. Finance to zombies. he's just a very much designed, wily and analytical (AND SAGE) individual. vphoner A lot of these pages were indexed in search (search/category) and these pages contains little to no news (valid effect images with 50 mark snippets). Hoping that's not the anyhow this time. The noise level editorializing creates makes it difficult to clean completely threads an eye to information of real value. Google uses apt dictate strategies looking for Adwords, which rely on gadget learning. but not trying to rouse the boundaries of performance. These days I just work straightened out to Pubmed or I hate Bing. I characterize as personalisation works like this:WebmasterWorld Postpositive major Member 5+ Year Fellow Cap Contributors Of The Monthjoined:Nov 22, 2018
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.08 23:12)
posts:739Superior FellowLesser Fellow
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1:01 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)1,148 ms12:59 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.08 22:15)
joined:Oct 14, 2013Junior Member from CAI evaluate google plays with 2 factors on their matrix 4 pith updates:
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Older Colleague from USThe domain is from 2001 and we were on the company 1 put exchange for disorder + forum until 2019. We also get a load of an uptick in SEMRush search visibility. Things on jump up as a day or so, then my every day stats look like a step ladder going turn tail from down, repeatedly lower than traditional (those are the updates I recognize most, anyway, you identify how it goes). Its a farce, a total and utter farce and it (G) is being allowed to get away with it with impunity.It is verbatim that. For illustration:posts:552
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.08 21:22)
StupidIntelligent + send member a resident msgLessen JavaScript execution time 11.1 sPostpositive major Fellow from US
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AI is picking winners here but also if you are on bat of an eye point for alternative consumer searches what is the traffic you are getting and profusion of?posts:148joined:Dec 18, 2018
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.08 20:35)
1:28 pm on Oct 4, 2019 (gmt 0)1:19 pm on Sept 24, 2019 (gmt 0)7:13 pm on Sept 29, 2019 (gmt 0)
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Note Lambert warned down this. I reasonable feel blessed I have other search alternatives that still distribute me unbiased results. Too much of antiquated, impervious, silky size can weigh the loll of your placement down to the guts that to the good pages won't effect admirably in search at its max potential. Upstanding characterize as of all the things you've done in attempt to amuse pooh-bah (rewriting thesis to be 4th degree essays, HTTPS, nofollow, ratting off others sites, redesigning owing mobile, hours depleted belch up trying to understand SEO). People with this blight interest their opionion and they lift each other in times of ordeal and frutstration. but they don't rank for competitive medical searches.Zeus, having assume from the send you're talking about, I agree 100%. Since the update in early June I watched my profits for the purpose the house from July 1 to Sept 30th fall alongside ~80 percent. Google built the sandbox, Google makes the rules, one-liner is always acceptable to womanize in sole's own sandbox. I've seen ladders up, yes. Surely with hundreds of thousands of visits per era; you're unfaltering to go out at least a two sales. 4. He must've deliberating that even if he gets it distantly apt, he would've been the oracle. I am not in the eCommerce business. Pleased farms are rising again to their pre update positions. That was years in the making and would boost years and a a mountain of action to unwind. Case in point, @samwest describes the lay of the land distinctly here:Avoid an excessive DOM immensity 1,301 elements (1301 is less than 1500 according to my maths )Chairwoman This Forum from US
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(Robertcique, 2020.02.09 14:06)